Mouse (to Eep): Hey sexy man, how was work? Ummm... There's something in the kitchen for you.
Eep (to Mouse): Uh... OK. Why am I filled with a vague sense of dread? Oh. Shit. You remembered.
Mouse (to Eep): Of course, I remembered..You asked me to take the night off. Or have you changed your mind about going to see that vampire movie?
Eep (to Mouse): No, no. Heh. I, uh, was just kinda hoping you wouldn't figure out WHY I asked you to take the night off.
Mouse (to Eep): I know you don't like to make a big deal about birthdays, so I just made your favorite meal & a small cake. No party or anything. Oh, and there's a bunch of balloons that arrived for you, I think there's a card attached.
Eep (to Mouse): Oh, God. Thank you! Wanda was always trying to force me to make a big deal out of it. What? Who the fuck would send me balloons?
Mouse (to Eep): I don't know, but it's obviously someone who knows you, cuz there's muppets, my little ponies, and gargoyles.
Eep (to Mouse): Oh sweet Jesus... You can evict Robert and Wanda from their apartment, right? It's from Robert and Maddie. As an "apology." They are fucking hilarious.
Mouse (to Eep): Heehee, I don't think I can evict them for that. But, I'll put it in their file for later. You know, just in case. :-P
Eep (to Mouse): Heh. And that's why I love you. Um, thanks, for keeping tonight low key. My birthday's have historically been pretty shitty.
Wanda (to Eep): Knock, knock. Ummmm, Eep? I am so so so so so SO sorry. Oh god, I'm sorry.
Eep (to Wanda): Oh. Hey, Wanda. Yeah. I already got the balloons. Fuck you too.
Wanda (to Eep): Uhhh... No. Please don't kill me. PLEASE don't kill me. (to Mouse) Please don't kill me either.
Mouse (to Wanda): What did you do, Wanda?
Wanda (to Eep): Don't let your girlfriend punch me. I'm REALLY sorry, and I SWEAR I didn't know she didn't know. (to Mouse & Eep) I wouldn't have said anything if I had known she didn't know. And then Percy wouldn't SHUT UP.
Mouse (to Wanda): Breathe, Wanda... Calm down. I have no idea what you're talking about.
Eep (to Wanda): Wanda. Make sense. What the fuck are you talking about?
Wanda (to Mouse & Eep): Oh. Right. Right. Sorry. So, Maddie's over at our apartment, and, um, I may have mentioned--in passing, I SWEAR... that dirty movie you were in. And, um, Percy kinda went off on a tangent about it. And now Maddie's kinda having a melt down in our living room over it. I am so, SO sorry. I swear I didn't know!
Mouse (to Wanda): Oh god...
Eep (to Wanda): Oh Jesus Christ...
Wanda (to Eep & Mouse): I know! I'm sorry. Percy is taking care of it. He's giving her more to drink... Oh. Wait. Maybe that's a BAD thing,
Mouse (to Eep): Yeah, he might start making out with her... After all, she is his type... You know, there.
Wanda (to Mouse): Yeah. Probably. I don't think that would help the situation at ALL. (to Eep & Mouse) Yeah. I should probably get back there. I'm sorry again, Eep. Um... Happy birthday?
Eep (to Wanda): Gee. Thanks. (to Mouse) Well... Fuck. So, you want to get the fuck out of here before someone else comes over and causes a scene?
Mouse (to Eep): Yes, please... Ummm, you don't want to go check on Maddie?
Eep (to Mouse): Not really. If there's one person I REALLY don't want to discuss that shit with today it's Maddie. I mean, what am I gonna say? Sorry you just found out I was crazier than you thought I was when you dumped me? Shit. That makes me a dick, doesn't it? Do you think I should talk to her?
Mouse (to Eep): It's your birthday. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do tonight, but you might want to talk to her at some point... I mean, she did just find out that an ex-boyfriend did something terribly self-destructive after she broke up with him.
Eep (to Mouse): Fuck. And this is why I hate my birthday. I'll go talk to her. Not like I could enjoy the movie after all this bullshit anyway. Keep this up, and you're gonna make me into a decent human being, you know that?
Mouse (to Eep): God forbid... :-P
Meanwhile:
Wanda (to Percy & Maddie): You two haven't been making out, have you?
Maddie (to Wanda): Huh?
Percy (to Wanda): Oh, was that an actual possibility?
Wanda (to Maddie): Nothing! (to Percy) No. No. Not at all. Not right now anyway.
Percy (to Wanda): Oh, that's a bit of a shame... I mean, no, no, of course not.
Maddie (to Wanda & Percy): Okay, on that note, I'm going to go out on the porch and have a cigarette.
A couple minutes later:
Eep (to Maddie): Oh. Hey. I was, uh... Just coming to check on you. Huh. You still smoke?
Maddie (to Eep): Yeah, I stopped when I was pregnant with Ashley, but other than that, nope... So, I take it Wanda attacked you?
Eep (to Maddie): Yeah. More than a little. How you holding up?
Maddie (to Eep): I am so, so sorry, Eep. I had no idea... No wonder you hate me so much.
Eep (to Maddie): Fat Christ... I don't hate you, Mad. I certainly don't blame you for any stupid ass mistakes I made afterwards. I was depressed, and drinking too much, and I was hanging out with fucking Asher too much.
Maddie (to Eep): God, I know it's irrational, but I still feel terribly guilty. I was awful. I'm so sorry... And, you were hanging out with Asher? He was such a sleazeball.
Eep (to Maddie): Yeah. He was working with Woody on his senior thesis, so he was always over at the apartment, and, uh... Well. We ended up in his movie together. And then when I lost my scholarship, needed someplace to stay, and he offered... Anyway, not your fault, so don't fucking stress about it.
Maddie (to Eep): Well, why are you out here bugging me then? Oh god, your birthday! Shit. I'm sorry. How are you holding up?
Eep (to Maddie): Uh, I'm bugging you, because maybe I was fucking concerned? Wanda said you were really upset. I was TRYING to be nice.
Maddie (to Eep): Well, I already felt bad that I was involved with you self-destructing when we broke up, but hearing how bad it was makes me feel even worse... I'm totally giving you a hug. Just stand there & take it.
Eep (to Maddie): Fucking Christ! Really? Fine. Fine. Whatever. Are you done?
Maddie (to Eep): No... Ummm, have you been working out?
Eep (to Maddie): Maddie! What the FUCK?
Maddie (to Eep): Oh sorry, that drink Percy made me was strong... I'm gonna go & hang my head in shame.
Mouse (to Eep & Maddie): What the hell!
Eep (to Mouse): I am so fucking sorry! That was NOT what the fuck it looked like.
Mouse (to Eep): Uh, I was just coming to ask if you wanted to have cake... Um, I'm just going to go back inside.
Maddie (to Mouse & Eep): Oh god... I am so sorry. That wasn't Eep's fault... Shit... I'm going to go back to my hotel.
Eep (to Mouse): Mouse! Wait! Please. Jesus you have to know that didn't mean jack shit by that. She just asked for a hug and... Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck... I fucking hate my fucking birthday. (to Maddie) Yeah. I think you should. See you later.
Mouse: I am trying so hard to hold it together... I will not act like a jealous twat.
Eep (to Mouse): You're not a twat. If I were in your place, I'd probably punch me in the fucking face.
Mouse (to Eep): I... Uh, I... I really wanted you to have a nice birthday. Ummm, your present is sitting in the bedroom. I'm going to go for a walk and try not to overreact. Help yourself to the cake.
Eep: Fuck! Just... fuck.
An hour or so later:
Ripper (to Eep): Shit, Eep. You don't look so good. Are you feeling okay?
Eep (to Ripper): Huh? Oh. No. I'm not. I'm not fucking OK. Just once, I'd like to get through one fucking July without some kinda fucking drama!
Ripper (to Eep): Oh... I take it your day hasn't been going so well? That sucks. And, here I was coming to give you some good news.
Eep (to Ripper): Good news? Sure. Whatever. What difference does it make? Whatever it is, I'll just fuck it up somehow. I always fucking do. Christ. I'm fucking sorry. It's just been a really shitty night. Today has not been historically a good day for me.
Ripper (to Eep): No, no. nevermind, it can wait until some other time when you're in a better mood... Sorry to bug you... Unless, you want to tell me what's going on?
Eep (to Ripper): Wanda and Percy told Maddie about that fucking bullshit film I made after we broke up, and she was all freaked out. I just wanted to check on her and she got all fucking... huggy. And then just... GOD! I don't fucking know. Handsy, I guess. Which is when Mouse walked onto the porch. Of course.
Ripper (to Eep): Shit... The movie was actually what I was going to tell you about, but that doesn't seem so important right now.
Eep (to Ripper): No, she just... just left. I don't know if I should go find her or let her blow off steam or what.
Ripper (to Eep): I take it Mouse didn't handle it well... Though, you don't seem to be broken, so she didn't beat you up. Which is a good sign. I'm so sorry, man... If it helps, I thought I saw the light on down in the basement. She might be down there.
Eep (to Ripper): Oh? Yeah. Thanks. Uh, sorry to kinda lose my shit at you. I just... Jesus. I'm starting to think my fucking birthday is cursed.
Ripper (to Eep): Hey, no worries. It's just a misunderstanding. You two will work it out... Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I've got a card for you. Happy birthday... Seems kind of a downer now. But, anyway, I know you've been painting a bunch so there's a gift card for art supplies in there and um, the school won the case & all of the movies are being pulled from the shelves.
Eep (to Ripper): What? Oh. Oh! Christ. Wow. Um, thanks. For the gift card and letting me know. About the case. I, um... Thanks.
Ripper (to Eep): Alright, I'll leave you to go make good with your lady. I'm about to pass out & I promised Robert I'd stop by before I crashed.
Eep (to Ripper): Oh. Yeah. See you later.
A few minutes later:
Eep (to Mouse): Um, hey. If you don't wanna talk, to me, I mean, I'll just go upstairs, but, um... I love you. That's all I wanted to say.
Mouse (to Eep): I love you, too... you big dumbie.
Eep (to Mouse): I'll see you later.
Mouse (to Eep): Really, that's all you're going to say to me?
Eep (to Mouse): I don't know what else to fucking say. I'm sorry! I really am, but honest to God, I didn't fucking do anything.
Mouse (to Eep): If you didn't do anything, why are you acting so guilty?
Eep (to Mouse): Seriously? Because its fucking Maddie. My ex-fucking-girlfriend! I know how I would have felt if I walked in and some guy had his hands up your fucking shirt and I never should have told her she could fucking give me a hug, OK? I have no fucking interest in Maddie, and I thought... Just... forget it. I'm going to bed.
Mouse (to Eep): Wait... What did you think? Please don't go yet or at least, take me upstairs with you. I need to stop in the kitchen for some ice... I think this hand is a little swollen.
Eep (to Mouse): Jesus! Yeah, you fucking do. Come on.
Mouse (to Eep): Thanks... I really do love you. The dumbass actions of your ex-girlfriend don't make it any less true. I was just so incredibly angry with her that I was worried what I was going to do. And then, it made me remember some of the shit that Hiiri said to me... Gah. I'm sorry your birthday got so fucked up.
Eep (to Mouse): Oh! Oh. Jesus. That's... Christ. I'm sorry, Mouse. I didn't even think of that. Fuck my birthday. It doesn't matter. Are you OK? You're not gonna turn into Hiiri every time you lose your temper. You know? Come on. Let's go to bed and just be done with this shitty ass day.
